Breaking the Divorce Cycle- Matthew 5:31-32

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

Matthew 5:31-32

I have to be honest...I originally wanted to skip this passage. Not because it is not an important passage or a teaching that needs to be looked at, but because I feel like divorce is such an obvious problem in someone's spiritual life that we tend to pick on it constantly while ignoring sins of anger, bitterness, slander, etc. Part of me wants to skip over this passage to spare the pain that this teaching must bring to those who have been touched directly or indirectly by divorce...and that is most of us. Having said that, though, it does touch so many of us and especially so many of our children and teens today who are affected by it without participating in it, that it would be negligent not to address Jesus' teaching on marriage when it comes up in scripture.

I will not attempt to draw the lines on who is and who is not eligible to remarry. Enough other people have argued that and come to conclusions that if you are looking for guidance on that, you can find it easily. I think we would be better served to go further back before someone is in the position of being divorced or remarried and really teaching ourselves and our children why marriage is so important to God and why He says, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16).

I don't have to talk to you about the pain and the damage that is done to the couples who get divorced and to their children if they have any. You already know it and have felt it.

I really don't even need to remind you about God's plans for marriage. We all pretty well recognize that marriage is supposed to be "till death do us part."

Instead, let's just look briefly at how Jesus' teaching about divorce in this context fits into the Sermon on the Mount.

First, it's worth noting that Jesus once again begins with the current understanding of the law of Moses and then elevates it to a higher plateau. At the time, the practice was that men could divorce their wives for pretty much any reason they wanted (sound familiar in our context?) and they were still "good men" as long as they gave her a certificate of divorce so she could have proof that she was no longer married. Jesus says that this understanding of "righteousness" was absurd and points out that such divorce culminates in adultery of pretty much all parties involved. The disciples, mired in their current way of thinking, thought this to be such a difficult change compared to what they were used to, that they decided it would be better not to be married at all! (Matthew 19:10) But they had not yet understood the possibilities of life and the power of the Spirit inside the kingdom of heaven!

Second, is it any surprise that Jesus began the sermon with uncontrolled anger and contempt, and then discussed lustful perversions and adultery in the heart, and THEN talks about divorce. Can you imagine how many marriages could have been saved if the spouses had been living according to the kingdom principles of anger and lust? Can you imagine how many future marriages can be saved if children and teens today, and even spouses-- whether they are already struggling, are healthy, or are still in the honeymoon-- really decided to be like the wise man who built his house on the rock and put Jesus teaching about anger and lust into practice over and over again in each circumstance they rear their ugly heads?

I have a friend named Chris who I admire greatly. We were discussing how peaceful he and his wife always are and how they are my role models for marriage. I jokingly said that they should teach a marriage class even though they would still be considered "young marrieds." His response was typical Chris. "It's easy. Just do what the Bible says." It's been a while since we had that conversation so I may be paraphrasing, but that's pretty close. And he is absolutely right.

But where does that leave us now when we are already in the middle of so many broken families and so much hurt? It does no good to despair in guilt and for me or other church leaders to continue adding to the pain that divorced people have already been through once they are working to restore relationships with family and with God. It also does no good to ignore the fact that divorce tends to be a cycle that children repeat in their own marriages once they have experienced. But does that mean that divorced parents who feel no hope and the church should add more pain and judgment to an already painful situation? I don't believe so. Instead I will point to another passage that I think should guide our thoughts about ourselves and others and serve as a lens to look into mirrors and into other's eyes with.

Paul lists a lot of different categories of "unrighteous" people who will not inherit the kingdom of God in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Among those are the sexually immoral and the adulterers. Based on Jesus' teaching about the results of divorce for any reason, we are at least not many steps removed. Of course, we also know from many other passages that liars, divisive people, slanderers, and children who disobey parents, as well as any other sins and acts of unrighteousness could also be included in Paul's list. But verse 11 is what I am interested in.

"Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God."

 To parents of teens and children, I say model and teach every day what it means to live life inside the kingdom of God as regards the teachings about anger and purity of heart so your children will never have to see divorce. Remind them constantly that as the body of Christ, we are washed from our old sins, sanctified (set apart) for a different style of life, and justified in front of the righteous almighty Judge. Now we are free to live like we are those things. To married couples I say the same thing. To divorced parents of teens, I say remember that if you are in Christ, you are also now washed, sanctified, and justified like every other sinner in the body of Christ. And now you are free to live in those attributes like everyone else. And to young and old children alike who have witnessed divorce in their family and are suffering from it or fearing repeating the same mistakes in your future marriage...I say to remember that you are washed, sanctified, and justified and can break the cycle with the power of the Spirit of God that is living inside you. And I say to remember that your parents, if they are in Christ, are now washed, sanctified, and justified as well. Help them to remember that and to live like it.

Marriage is messy, but if lived according to the kingdom of God, it is a beautiful and wonderful blessing. Divorce is messier...but I don't believe there is any sinful situation or any sinner that is so messy that God cannot redeem them. May we all live inside that hope and promise and may the cycle of divorce in America's churches finally be broken as people realize this and live kingdom principles.