Is Self-mutilation the key to kicking lust out the door? Matthew 5:29-30

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If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. 

Matthew 5:29-30

Regarding Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5 about looking at a woman to lust after her, Dallas Willard says this:

"In other words, all the elements of a genuine act of adultery other than the  overt movements of the body are present in such a case. The heart elements are there. Usually the only thing lacking for overt action is the occasion. When the heart is ready, the action will occur as occasion offers. Just as the thief is the person who would steal if circumstances were right, so the adulterer is the one who would have wrongful sex if the circumstances were right. Usually that means if he or she could be sure it would not be found out. This is what Jesus calls 'adultery in the heart.' In it, the person is not caring for, but using, the other. The condition is wrong even though sexual relations do not occur."    (The Divine Conspiracy. p. 161)

In our verses 29-30, Jesus lays out what I feel are very practical teachings for how to best avoid sexual temptation....and it makes absolutely perfect sense. What happens if your leg is infected to the point that it cannot be saved? No one wants to lose a limb, but almost all of us recognize the common sense of sacrificing a diseased limb in order to save the rest of the body.

If only we could see that principle so clearly when it comes to the part of us that is eternal!

But of course, we rarely see that and, therefore, Jesus' comments about cutting off hands and plucking out eyes seem to be simply exaggerations. But the truth is that it would actually be better to cut hands off and pluck eyes out if that would ensure entrance into the kingdom of heaven!

Now practically speaking, I'm not suggesting that we do that. But if we felt like that were the only way, wouldn't it be worth it!? Most commentators lean more towards the understanding that there are certain relationships and/or circumstances that need to be cut out of our lives if we know they are causing us to sin. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is tempting you to think things you shouldn't...break up with them! Isn't it better to be lonely and "miss out" than to be thrown into hell!? If you cannot keep away from certain sites or ads on the internet, then get rid of the internet! Isn't it better to miss out on a convenience than to have your whole body thrown into hell because you can't say no to the pop-ups!? If someone at work dresses inappropriately and you can't avoid them and can't quit thinking about them...switch jobs! Isn't it better to sacrifice job security than to sacrifice your eternal security!?

I think we would all do well to apply these principles for ourselves and our children in whatever way we need to...no TV or internet in bedrooms, no internet on phones if necessary, no late-night TV, restrictions on what types of movies are worth paying money for and what types will cost us out souls...whatever steps we need to take.

But the truth is that we could cut all of those things out- indeed, we could go so far as to take Jesus literally and cut limbs off and pluck eyes out- and still not have our heart in the right place. Willard takes a different view of Jesus' teaching that I think is worth looking at.

"Jesus is saying that if you think that laws can eliminate being wrong, you would, to be consistent, cut off your hand or gouge out your eye so that you could not possibly do the acts the law forbids.

Now, truly, if you blind yourself, you cannot look on her at all. And if you sufficiently dismember yourself, you will not be able to do any wrong action. This is the logic by which Jesus reduces the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees to the absurd.

...Of course being acceptable to God is so important that, if cutting bodily parts off could achieve it, one would be wise to cut them off....But so far from suggesting that any advantage before God could actually be gained in this way, Jesus' teaching in this passage is exactly the opposite. The mutilated stump could still have a wicked heart. The deeper question always concerns who you are, not what you did do or can do. What would you do if you could? Eliminating bodily parts will not change that....

 The goodness of the kingdom heart, by contrast, is the positive love of God and of those around us that fills it and crowds out the many forms of evil. From that goodness come deeds of respect and purity that characterize a sexuality as it was meant by God to be. (The Divine Conspiracy. pp. 167-168) (Emphasis added)

Where is your heart? Is it just fear of getting caught by your family or others...or even God that is your primary motivator in avoiding lust? If it is, then you are doomed to fail as long as you have any members attached to your body that can overcome their fear and long for sex outside of God's plans. On the other hand, if you fill your life with so much love for God by burying yourself in His words for you (the Bible), by filling your time with His purposes for you, and by filling your heart with God's love for others through you, then the battle will already have been decided because Jesus has already defeated sin and has given you the victory.

I have no doubt that we would all do well for ourselves and our children to think about what areas need to be cut off or plucked out because they consistently trip us up. But I am also absolutely convinced that we will always be able to find a way around our precautions if our heart is not filled with God. Therefore, what will you do today to fill your heart and the hearts of your sons and daughters with enough Love and Light that the Light will drive out the darkness?

How to avoid the whole "bad company" talk with my kids- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Oh, how we as parents love this verse! If I had to guess what the most thought about and talked about spiritual subject that crosses parents minds and gets communicated to kids, it would be the importance of choosing friends wisely. I feel quite confident that this subject has been the staple of youth ministry diet since the first century. To be honest, I'm slightly surprised that we don't have a record of Lois and Eunice asking Paul to talk to Timothy about the kind of people he was hanging around as a teenager!

But this isn't the only verse that we think of when approaching the topic. We also quote 1 Corinthians 15:33 tirelessly. "Bad company corrupts good morals." In fact, I'd say that this side of the coin is what gets emphasized the most because the truth of relational influence is rarely emphasized until a child is making poor choices relationally and therefore making poor choices behaviorally and morally.

Don't get me wrong, we minimize the truth contained in these verses to our own detriment. Parents are right to repeat them over and over and over again. They are justified in keeping a close eye on friendships and acquaintances that their children have because we are all incredibly influenced by those we want to spend our time with.

However, I would like to suggest a couple of principles based on these verses that perhaps we don't think about quite as often:

1. I need good deep, Godly relationships just as much and maybe even more so than my child does. I know that point might be argued based on the fact that children are typically more easily influenced than adults. So let's go with that line of thought. If kids are more easily influenced and you are trying to influence them to be proactive in gaining beneficial relationships instead of falling into harmful ones, will your influence over their choice of friends be more effective simply in words or would they be able to see and hear the message more clearly if they witnessed it in your life while you were saying the words? Without even considering our influence of example over our children, let's just think about us. At what point in your life have you faced the most temptations, pressures, and obstacles to faith-- as a child growing up in a Christian home or when you are out on your own and responsible for yourself? I think we would all agree that while we may not be particularly interested in revisiting the teenage years for one reason or another, in hindsight, the pressures of life as a mid-life parent are probably greater than that of a 16 yr old.
2. Lectures upon lectures and classes upon classes have been delivered about the negative influence of bad friends...and usually to little or no avail. Maybe we need to spend more time helping our children pursue a life based on Ecclesiastes 4 which encourages actively seeking out Godly helpful relationships. In so doing, perhaps we will be able to avoid at least some of the worry and stress that comes when we see godly morals being corrupted by bad company because our children will already belong to a Godly group of friends who can lift them when they fall instead of contributing to the fall! In other words, we shouldn't be surprised when our children choose ungodly friends and begin to imitate those friends despite our teachings and pleadings at home if we have not and are not actively helping them pursue Godly friendships in the body of Christ.

So how can we give our kids the security and strength of a "cord of three strands?" Here are just a few suggestions:

• Make meetings with the saints a priority for your family. How can we expect a child to be closer to friends they see once a week than to the guys they hang out with in the locker room and after school every day? Relationships require investment, and the only investment that will give a return is the investment of time.
• Invest in relationships for yourself and your children at the same time by inviting Godly families of similar ages into your home. Just have someone over for dinner who has kids the same age. After the evening...invite them again later. If there is one thing I've realized, it is that for the most part, teens will be about as involved in the life of the church and about as invested in the family of God as their parents are. If a parent is not actively seeking and prioritizing friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ, then neither will/can the child. Someone will fill that relational void. And too often, that someone is the same someone whom parents ask me down the road to teach a class on 1 Corinthians 15:33  about!
• Join a life group. Maybe you're not quite ready to invite others into your home. That's ok. Go to theirs. The life groups are an incredible way to share intimate fellowship with like-minded brothers and sisters who, for the most part, are in the same stage of life.

 These are just a few suggestions. If you have others, leave them in the comments below. However it happens, let's VOW to live the truth of this wisdom that we have known and taught for so long.

Oh, and one more thing..."pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Maybe the relational investment that we need to make most right now is not for us, but for someone else. In a culture that is so consumed by crowded schedules, more and more Christians are trying to walk through life with no one close enough to help them when they fall. Let's keep an eye out for those folks and be ready to catch them...or better yet. Let's take pity on them before they get to the fall and help keep them from falling by coming alongside them whether they invite us or not!

Friend or Foe? Proverbs 27:5-6

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
But an enemy multiplies kisses."

Proverbs 27:5-6

I think this is a concept that we all get and agree with on the surface especially with the obvious stuff. Just think about the last time you had something stuck in your teeth or had a problem with a piece of your wardrobe and went for hours before either someone rudely pointed it out or you finally stole a glance in a mirror and discovered it yourself. Aren't we all just a little perturbed that our "friends" hadn't bothered to let us know that there was something wrong? After all, we could have fixed the problem in a matter of seconds and spared the humiliating thoughts about how many people saw it and were secretly laughing at us. Those situations are easy. In those cases we wholeheartedly agree with this proverb and want our friends to apply it to us. But what about those things that are a little less obvious?

What about when our parents give us an attitude check or tell us to "watch your tone of voice"? What about when our spouses let us know in no uncertain terms that we are behaving or acting childishly? Are we willing to take the criticism of a friend when they confront us with having a smug attitude, secret prejudice, or hidden agenda? I would imagine if any of us thought long enough, we could each think back to past "hurts" that we have received at the hands or mouths of friends. Some of us may even think of a relationship that no longer exists because of a word that was interpreted as an insult. Those times, unfortunately, are not quite so easy to recognize as good "open rebuke" and "wounds from a friend" instead of as lashes from an enemy.

So how do we remind ourselves that someone is looking out for our good and not our bad when it feels like we are taking a beating?

Let me say, first of all, that I am no counselor or therapist and my thoughts on this are nowhere near expert advice; they are simply my thoughts and you are free to use them or dismiss them as you see best. But maybe there are at least a few things we can do to take the sting out of a perceived insult and help us to see the good intended instead of just the pain inflicted.

1. Memorize this verse. I am convinced that one of the ways the Spirit works in our lives is through the word of God hidden in our hearts. If this nugget of God's wisdom is such a part of your being that you can quote it at the drop of a hat, then there is a good chance that the Spirit will help you remember it at the moment when you need it the most...like when someone says, "we need to talk" and it doesn't appear the topic is sports. 
2. While talking to the friend, quote the verse silently. If your blood pressure is rising, there is a pretty good chance you're not going to be able to hear their words anyway. Why not just take a breath and spend a fraction of a second even while they are talking to remind yourself of this truth if for not other reason than to help you stay calm so that you can evaluate whether what they are saying is truth or simply meanness.
3. After the conversation, but before evaluating the criticism , evaluate the friendship. I'm not talking about picking apart the friend and all of their faults. That's pointless. I am talking about evaluating the history of the relationship. Have they tried to hurt you in the past? Have they ever sacrificed for you? Have they been a loyal friend? Do they add to your life or do they usually take from you? Do they typically act selfishly or selflessly? If the relationship is not a new one, you should be able to decide rather quickly if they are in fact a friend or an enemy. 

• If they are an enemy, then who cares what they said? It's as likely to be untrue as it is to be true even if they were flattering you! However, if the enemy was really trying to get to you, they would probably use something they knew hit close to home. If that's the case, find a real friend and ask them for an honest evaluation of the subject at hand.
• If you're not entirely sure of the relationship, then maybe whatever the criticism, it is worth your time to do some self-evaluation and also to ask a trusted friend.
• If you know they are a friend...then the absolute worst thing any of us could do would be to throw up defenses and start insulting them so we don't have to face an ugly truth in ourselves. Not only will we lose a friend, we will also miss a chance for self-improvement, and even go backward because we have allowed our pride to take another foothold in our lives.

Like I said, I'm no counselor, but Solomon was a pretty smart guy from what I've heard. Now I just wish I could apply it in my own life as easily as I can type it!

And by the way, before we end, I think the comparison of an open rebuke to hidden love is worth noting. At that point, he hadn't said where the "open rebuke" is coming from. It might be from a friend or an enemy. Either way, it doesn't matter...it's better than hidden love- i.e. love that never results in action. If that's the case...we need to take note of any love that we feel that we conceal by tamping it down or by ignoring it's plea to help someone. How sad to think that a deceitful enemy "multiplying kisses" could win someone else because of their abundance of false love only because the object of their "kisses" hasn't experienced the sometimes "hidden love" of God that we have for them.