Breaking the Divorce Cycle- Matthew 5:31-32

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

Matthew 5:31-32

I have to be honest...I originally wanted to skip this passage. Not because it is not an important passage or a teaching that needs to be looked at, but because I feel like divorce is such an obvious problem in someone's spiritual life that we tend to pick on it constantly while ignoring sins of anger, bitterness, slander, etc. Part of me wants to skip over this passage to spare the pain that this teaching must bring to those who have been touched directly or indirectly by divorce...and that is most of us. Having said that, though, it does touch so many of us and especially so many of our children and teens today who are affected by it without participating in it, that it would be negligent not to address Jesus' teaching on marriage when it comes up in scripture.

I will not attempt to draw the lines on who is and who is not eligible to remarry. Enough other people have argued that and come to conclusions that if you are looking for guidance on that, you can find it easily. I think we would be better served to go further back before someone is in the position of being divorced or remarried and really teaching ourselves and our children why marriage is so important to God and why He says, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16).

I don't have to talk to you about the pain and the damage that is done to the couples who get divorced and to their children if they have any. You already know it and have felt it.

I really don't even need to remind you about God's plans for marriage. We all pretty well recognize that marriage is supposed to be "till death do us part."

Instead, let's just look briefly at how Jesus' teaching about divorce in this context fits into the Sermon on the Mount.

First, it's worth noting that Jesus once again begins with the current understanding of the law of Moses and then elevates it to a higher plateau. At the time, the practice was that men could divorce their wives for pretty much any reason they wanted (sound familiar in our context?) and they were still "good men" as long as they gave her a certificate of divorce so she could have proof that she was no longer married. Jesus says that this understanding of "righteousness" was absurd and points out that such divorce culminates in adultery of pretty much all parties involved. The disciples, mired in their current way of thinking, thought this to be such a difficult change compared to what they were used to, that they decided it would be better not to be married at all! (Matthew 19:10) But they had not yet understood the possibilities of life and the power of the Spirit inside the kingdom of heaven!

Second, is it any surprise that Jesus began the sermon with uncontrolled anger and contempt, and then discussed lustful perversions and adultery in the heart, and THEN talks about divorce. Can you imagine how many marriages could have been saved if the spouses had been living according to the kingdom principles of anger and lust? Can you imagine how many future marriages can be saved if children and teens today, and even spouses-- whether they are already struggling, are healthy, or are still in the honeymoon-- really decided to be like the wise man who built his house on the rock and put Jesus teaching about anger and lust into practice over and over again in each circumstance they rear their ugly heads?

I have a friend named Chris who I admire greatly. We were discussing how peaceful he and his wife always are and how they are my role models for marriage. I jokingly said that they should teach a marriage class even though they would still be considered "young marrieds." His response was typical Chris. "It's easy. Just do what the Bible says." It's been a while since we had that conversation so I may be paraphrasing, but that's pretty close. And he is absolutely right.

But where does that leave us now when we are already in the middle of so many broken families and so much hurt? It does no good to despair in guilt and for me or other church leaders to continue adding to the pain that divorced people have already been through once they are working to restore relationships with family and with God. It also does no good to ignore the fact that divorce tends to be a cycle that children repeat in their own marriages once they have experienced. But does that mean that divorced parents who feel no hope and the church should add more pain and judgment to an already painful situation? I don't believe so. Instead I will point to another passage that I think should guide our thoughts about ourselves and others and serve as a lens to look into mirrors and into other's eyes with.

Paul lists a lot of different categories of "unrighteous" people who will not inherit the kingdom of God in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Among those are the sexually immoral and the adulterers. Based on Jesus' teaching about the results of divorce for any reason, we are at least not many steps removed. Of course, we also know from many other passages that liars, divisive people, slanderers, and children who disobey parents, as well as any other sins and acts of unrighteousness could also be included in Paul's list. But verse 11 is what I am interested in.

"Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God."

 To parents of teens and children, I say model and teach every day what it means to live life inside the kingdom of God as regards the teachings about anger and purity of heart so your children will never have to see divorce. Remind them constantly that as the body of Christ, we are washed from our old sins, sanctified (set apart) for a different style of life, and justified in front of the righteous almighty Judge. Now we are free to live like we are those things. To married couples I say the same thing. To divorced parents of teens, I say remember that if you are in Christ, you are also now washed, sanctified, and justified like every other sinner in the body of Christ. And now you are free to live in those attributes like everyone else. And to young and old children alike who have witnessed divorce in their family and are suffering from it or fearing repeating the same mistakes in your future marriage...I say to remember that you are washed, sanctified, and justified and can break the cycle with the power of the Spirit of God that is living inside you. And I say to remember that your parents, if they are in Christ, are now washed, sanctified, and justified as well. Help them to remember that and to live like it.

Marriage is messy, but if lived according to the kingdom of God, it is a beautiful and wonderful blessing. Divorce is messier...but I don't believe there is any sinful situation or any sinner that is so messy that God cannot redeem them. May we all live inside that hope and promise and may the cycle of divorce in America's churches finally be broken as people realize this and live kingdom principles.

For the Love of Money...how stupid!- Ecclesiastes 5:10

I loved Kevin's cartoon in the bulletin last week. If you didn't see it, it was a picture of a little boy on Santa's lap. Santa looked a little confused as the boy was saying, "All I want for Christmas is more than my brother."

That's a cute cartoon and we can chuckle at the thought of the truth of that scenario on Christmas morning. It's also an incredibly sad reminder though, that unfortunately many of us never grow out of that line of thinking. We may not verbalize the words exactly like that, and most of us aren't still crawling into Santa's lap with our selfish requests, but deep down the desire to continually just have more keeps us constantly begging life for more...occasionally we even pretend to be sitting in God's lap as a faithful child when we make our self-centered pleas.

How blessed would we all be if we could let Solomon's advice really sink in!?  How tragic for Solomon that it took most of his life before he came back to the truth that he knew when we started out as a man of God.

I'd like to leave the conversation on this one open because it's an incredibly easy to understand principle...and yet so hard to live and to teach. Tie this statement to Jesus' teaching about a rich man getting into the kingdom of heaven and laying up treasures in heaven as opposed to earth because "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" and we realize that this is a BIG deal!

 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:10)

Solomon puts it just as bluntly as it can be put. Chasing after riches is absolutely meaningless. We can make every excuse and come up with umpteen million justifications for why we need more money or more stuff, but deep down we know the truth. Those desire are meaningless.

Here's what I'd like to do. I want to open the comments below to suggestions and questions on how to teach ourselves and our children to trust in God instead of in riches. To end the meaningless pursuit of more that begins on Santa's lap and usually doesn't end until the death bed. How do you combat this in yourself? How are you training your children in this? What areas are especially hard that you would like advice about? I won't know many if any of those answers, but there are some incredibly Godly men and women who read this that will. Start that conversation below by clicking the comment button and let's VOW to pursue things that will never be described as "meaningless" !!!

How to avoid the whole "bad company" talk with my kids- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Oh, how we as parents love this verse! If I had to guess what the most thought about and talked about spiritual subject that crosses parents minds and gets communicated to kids, it would be the importance of choosing friends wisely. I feel quite confident that this subject has been the staple of youth ministry diet since the first century. To be honest, I'm slightly surprised that we don't have a record of Lois and Eunice asking Paul to talk to Timothy about the kind of people he was hanging around as a teenager!

But this isn't the only verse that we think of when approaching the topic. We also quote 1 Corinthians 15:33 tirelessly. "Bad company corrupts good morals." In fact, I'd say that this side of the coin is what gets emphasized the most because the truth of relational influence is rarely emphasized until a child is making poor choices relationally and therefore making poor choices behaviorally and morally.

Don't get me wrong, we minimize the truth contained in these verses to our own detriment. Parents are right to repeat them over and over and over again. They are justified in keeping a close eye on friendships and acquaintances that their children have because we are all incredibly influenced by those we want to spend our time with.

However, I would like to suggest a couple of principles based on these verses that perhaps we don't think about quite as often:

1. I need good deep, Godly relationships just as much and maybe even more so than my child does. I know that point might be argued based on the fact that children are typically more easily influenced than adults. So let's go with that line of thought. If kids are more easily influenced and you are trying to influence them to be proactive in gaining beneficial relationships instead of falling into harmful ones, will your influence over their choice of friends be more effective simply in words or would they be able to see and hear the message more clearly if they witnessed it in your life while you were saying the words? Without even considering our influence of example over our children, let's just think about us. At what point in your life have you faced the most temptations, pressures, and obstacles to faith-- as a child growing up in a Christian home or when you are out on your own and responsible for yourself? I think we would all agree that while we may not be particularly interested in revisiting the teenage years for one reason or another, in hindsight, the pressures of life as a mid-life parent are probably greater than that of a 16 yr old.
2. Lectures upon lectures and classes upon classes have been delivered about the negative influence of bad friends...and usually to little or no avail. Maybe we need to spend more time helping our children pursue a life based on Ecclesiastes 4 which encourages actively seeking out Godly helpful relationships. In so doing, perhaps we will be able to avoid at least some of the worry and stress that comes when we see godly morals being corrupted by bad company because our children will already belong to a Godly group of friends who can lift them when they fall instead of contributing to the fall! In other words, we shouldn't be surprised when our children choose ungodly friends and begin to imitate those friends despite our teachings and pleadings at home if we have not and are not actively helping them pursue Godly friendships in the body of Christ.

So how can we give our kids the security and strength of a "cord of three strands?" Here are just a few suggestions:

• Make meetings with the saints a priority for your family. How can we expect a child to be closer to friends they see once a week than to the guys they hang out with in the locker room and after school every day? Relationships require investment, and the only investment that will give a return is the investment of time.
• Invest in relationships for yourself and your children at the same time by inviting Godly families of similar ages into your home. Just have someone over for dinner who has kids the same age. After the evening...invite them again later. If there is one thing I've realized, it is that for the most part, teens will be about as involved in the life of the church and about as invested in the family of God as their parents are. If a parent is not actively seeking and prioritizing friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ, then neither will/can the child. Someone will fill that relational void. And too often, that someone is the same someone whom parents ask me down the road to teach a class on 1 Corinthians 15:33  about!
• Join a life group. Maybe you're not quite ready to invite others into your home. That's ok. Go to theirs. The life groups are an incredible way to share intimate fellowship with like-minded brothers and sisters who, for the most part, are in the same stage of life.

 These are just a few suggestions. If you have others, leave them in the comments below. However it happens, let's VOW to live the truth of this wisdom that we have known and taught for so long.

Oh, and one more thing..."pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Maybe the relational investment that we need to make most right now is not for us, but for someone else. In a culture that is so consumed by crowded schedules, more and more Christians are trying to walk through life with no one close enough to help them when they fall. Let's keep an eye out for those folks and be ready to catch them...or better yet. Let's take pity on them before they get to the fall and help keep them from falling by coming alongside them whether they invite us or not!

The Flip-Side of Discipline: Proverbs 23:13-14

My twin daughters are 2. I've never been a dad before in my life. I can't remember how I was disciplined when I was two. All of these factors add up to one word....

HELP!!!

My wife and I often look to Suzanne Bobo for advice in parenting. Both of her children are grown Godly adults. She also works as the director of a local Mother's Day Out. In light of my serious lack of expertise and her years of work as a mom and  child-care provider, and all of the different parenting styles she has seen over the years, I thought the wisdom of this Proverb would shine infinitely brighter with her highlighting it than me. Enjoy her great advice below and may we all VOW to raise not just our own children, but also those that we have influence over to know, love, and obey the God who is the only perfect parent.

Thoughts on Discipline by Suzanne Bobo

Who can resist the sweet smile of a child?  Children bring such immense joy to our lives with their innocent nature, bright eyes, and unconditional love.  But as children grow, Proverbs 23: 13 tells us, "Do not not withhold discipline from a child."  Although we often think of discipline as punishment, I feel the following Webster Dictionary definition is more fitting.

Discipline is training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. 

Parents are responsible for shaping their children's wills and directing them in the way God would have them live.  Proverbs 22:6 states, "Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Through the years, I have come to believe that disciplining a child is more about my character and behavior than the child's.  What better way to mold a child's behavior than to provide the child an example of the behavior I would like him to achieve.  Proverbs 17: 6 says parents are the pride of their children.  Our children watch us like hawks, and they usually mimic our behavior.

 How can I expect my child or the children I work with to be happy, productive children if I am cranky and making poor choices myself?  

If I expect a child to be obedient to my instruction and respect my authority, I must exert a strong positive, consistent influence.

Due to the everyday distractions, it is often so difficult to be consistent and to follow through when we discipline our child, but it is essential.  If we tell our child to come to us when he is running off but chase him down instead, did he mind our authority?  Did he have a consequence for not minding?  If we just run after the child, grab him up, and go because we are in a hurry, what have we taught him?  The next time, he may be in a dangerous situation where he runs toward the street.  When the instruction we give our child is important enough to say, we must take the time to follow through, otherwise it should have been left unsaid.

Children are so very bright, and they learn quickly how we handle authority.
Exodus 20: 12 was the first commandment with a promise:  Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.  What a promise!!  If we have taught our children as they grow to be obedient and disciplined, they will follow this commandment.....and what a blessing will come to their lives.

A Warning for those With Authority- Proverbs 22:8

"Whoever sows injustice reaps calamity, and the rod they wield in fury will be broken."

Proverbs 22:8

The principle of the harvest is scattered all throughout the Bible. It is an incredibly simple truth that is applied both negatively, as in the case above, and positively, as in "he who sows generously (as in the case of giving) will also reap generously" (2 Cor. 9:6). In the passage above, it is applied to those with authority. I wasn't sure of that until I cross-referenced the word for "injustice" to find the other ways it is used in the Bible because in some translations it is translated as "iniquity" or "perverseness." I think the use of the word "injustice" works much better because in every instance that the word is used in which you can determine the context outright from the text, it is dealing with leaders abusing their powers for their own gain in some form or another. The truth of the proverb is very simple for us today. If we are unjust to those we have authority over or those we try to exert authority over, we will eventually be served what we deserve- calamity.

Just take a minute to look at the picture above. It makes me cringe, doesn't it you? There are very few people in this world who honestly enjoy seeing someone who is helpless being taken advantage of or abused. I think that is because each of us has a moral compass placed in us by God that makes blatant shows of injustice absolutely infuriating. The problem, though, is that each one of us has an easier time seeing the injustices of others than we do of ourselves. I have a theory that people don't think they are actually being unjust. They are simply doing what they think is necessary for the greater good.  

• If my child refuses to obey, then I need to do what I must to teach them to respect authority so they are not in prison down the road.  
• If my students don't respect my authority, no one will learn anything. Therefore, I am justified in making an example of one or two students. 
• I know the most efficient way of doing something and if my employees or coworkers disagree, they might lead us down the wrong track. Therefore, manipulation, threats, deception, and forcefulness is simply what is necessary for all of us to achieve our goals.

In other words, what if we are blind to our own injustices because after all, 

the end justifies the means?

While those in authority (parents, teachers, bosses, managers, etc.) have a Godly duty to discipline, correct, train, and lead and punishment or rebuke is sometimes necessary, may each of us VOW to scrutunize not those over us (bosses, government, parents, leaders), but those under us (children, employees, coworkers, students, servers) and honestly determine whether injustice is or is not occurring at our own hands. After all, God is not one to lie. If we are the source of injustice, eventually the rod (i.e.- authority) with which we are wielding our injustices WILL BE BROKEN and the end that has supposedly justified all of our means, will actually turn out to be calamity. I don't know about you, but I would much rather lay that rod down in obedience to God than to have it taken from me and broken because of my disobedience. And for anyone who is reeling from the rod of someone else's injustice, let me offer one more passage that I stumbled upon today while cross-referencing the word for "injustice."

The scepter of the wicked ["unjust"] will not remain over the land allotted to the righteous, for then the righteous might use their hands to do evil.

Psalm 125:3

Take comfort in the fact, that whatever it seems like today, God is actually the one in control. We feel injustice so acutely in the moment because it seems like the wrongs will never get righted in our lifetime. But God's reign is much longer than all of our lives put together. He is in control. He always will be. And that remains true even while I, or anyone else, is claiming control by swinging an unjust rod with all of our fury.